My entire body is tense. Jaw is clenched. Stomach in knots. Hands trembling.
My breath is shallow and constricted as if a 50 pound weight was laying on my chest.
I'm staring at my inbox. "What task should I tackle next?"
An impulse hits me. Open the email about hiring the latest marketing candidate. By the time I start re-reading the email that I have read twice before, another thought strikes. "You have to text your brother about the dates for your birthday party."
I open my phone and write up a quick message to my brother.
By the time that I return to my laptop and browser, I find myself starting to write a blog post. But I don't get very far. I open twitter to read a thread a friend has shared with me.
This keeps happening. For the past 3 hours I've been hopping from task to task, starting many, but finishing few.
Avoiding completion by incessantly starting new tasks. The more of this I do, the more overwhelming the world becomes. And the more underwhelming I perform in it.
“What the hell is wrong with me?”
“Why am I so scatterbrained?”
“Breath, Steli. B R E A T H!”
“Come to this very moment. Find yourself again in the present. You've been lost in a sea of thought.”
Then, the relief. Looking up from my laptop, I come to the moment, to the room, to myself. All is well. Everything is actually quite calm right now. In reality. Outside of my head.
Breathing fully feels so relieving. I smile. But instantly I worry again. This moment is so precious, so fragile, only one inattentive thought and I will be lost at sea again.
“Remember to hold on to this moment, Steli. Remember. Stay here till you've caught your breath. Stay here until you've relaxed enough to awaken to yourself and be present more permanently.”
“But how can I relax fully when there is so much that is unfinished in my life? How can I enjoy the moment when the future is a monstrous tsunami threatening to crash upon me and wash away my entire life?”
What happens in life when all to-dos are done? All questions answered? All options have been taken? All doors closed? All work finished?
You're dead.
Who says life is ever supposed to be more finished, more polished, more done, more sorted? Life, as long as you are alive, will keep growing new weeds of worry, new challenging tasks and beautifully hidden opportunities.
Relax. Take a breath. You don’t have to “finish” anything today. You’re not behind. No door is closing on you. You’re not missing out. You’re not too late.
Take a breath. Replenish. Refresh. Refocus. And you’ll discover that you can easily get ahead on anything in the right state of mind.
One fully taken step at a time.