I often think of myself as a pretty evolved person. CEO of a successful software company, leading a distributed team of highly talented people around the world. A deep thinker, a reflective and caring character. The kind of person that friends often seek out when in need of advice and personal counsel. Emotionally intelligent, self-aware, conscious.
And yet, more often than not, I catch myself feeling feelings, thinking thoughts, that seem… beneath me? Not what you’d expect to find in a wise man’s heart and mind. Petty little thoughts, selfish impulses, greediness and neediness.
Not so much in the big matters of life—not the mountains that shape the landscape. But the many pebbles and rocks which I step upon daily. It is amongst them that I often find bits of envy, arrogance, conceit, and their many ugly siblings.
Until recently, I barely ever noticed them. They were just part of the ground on which I walked, indistinguishable from the larger landscape, but nowadays, I find them poking my feet more often, I find myself bumping my toes against their sharp edges in all kinds of unexpected places. And my first impulse is often to pretend that they’re not there, that I didn’t stub my toes, that the sharp little edges didn’t hurt my soles.
But now I realize: this is who I am. Yes, sometimes I’m wise, sometimes holy, sometimes magnanimous, noble, and all these other things I think I am (and aspire to be). But sometimes I’m the opposite of these things: exactly what I dislike in others. I find traits and characteristics within myself that I should be above—and have difficulty accepting. I push them away from myself: “That’s not me. I’m above this.”
But it is me. I’m not above this. This is what I felt and thought.
I’ve got to be honest with myself: I felt it. I thought it. Even if it was just a muted flash somewhere far away in the distance—it’s still mine. It’s still a part of me.
To transcend and surpass it, I first need to acknowledge, and then understand it. Why does this thought, this feeling come into existence? What necessitated it within myself? What didn’t I see that made it feel called for? What can I appreciate about it?
Every feeling, every thought, arises into existence, with a purpose, oftentimes a need to protect us. No matter how petty, how small, or how counterproductive, we have to learn to acknowledge our whole selves, the entire humanity that lives within our hearts and minds.
To do that, we need humility. The more we believe ourselves to be “above” certain thoughts and feelings, the more likely we are falling deeper into a dark pit of ignorance and arrogance.
Under every thought and feeling that seems beneath us, lies a crystal clear mirror into the abyss of our soul. It takes great courage to notice without judgment, to see and not look away.
I am not above this. No matter what I think about myself, no matter who I’d like to be, in this very moment, I am not above this.